It is amazing what the human condition will do for love.
by Lily P. McLaughlin
It is amazing what the human condition will do for love.
When I was 19 years old I began my descent into the adult entertainment industry.
My whole life was crumbling around me, and I felt like I had no where else to turn. The friends that I had at the time were inviting me out, and in that my curiosity was growing. I remember how it felt when I walked through the doors of my first club for the first time. My face fell and my heart sank, but my feet moved forward. I remember meeting the first man to ever say that because I was exotic I would do well here. I remember the way those words sunk their teeth into my already longing and searching heart.
I believed that I was worth nothing so I said to myself, then this must be where I belong. I remember seeing the women around me dance in ways I had never seen, I remember watching men throw themselves at these women. Some looked younger than me, I remember the devil whispering, “this is where you belong.”
Night after night I began to give myself away, I would dance, I would beg, and quite honestly I would strive. I would strive for a love had never experienced, I would throw myself at opportunities to be noticed, heard and most importantly seen. I began to allow the lies of my experiences and the world take over me. I would allow men to take advantage of me, I would allow women to gawk at me and use me. I would allow the evil of this industry to consume me until I had nothing left.
I remember the moments I encountered Jesus in the clubs, parlors and hotel rooms. I never felt condemned, I never felt shamed. But I always felt invited. I felt invited into something new. Something better, something greater. Yet, time and time again I would reject it. I would look at the eyes of Jesus through the lens of kind strangers and tell them “you don’t know me or what I have been through.”
The thing was, Jesus did know. He knew everything. He knew why I was choosing that lifestyle. He knew the depths of my sin, the length of my disobedience and the magnitude of my pain and yet. still. He said. “I want her.” I am reminded of the woman at the well, the woman that had five husbands, the woman that was cast out from her community due to her impurity.
Then I remember Jesus.
How He sat with her, He called out her in not out. I imagine that He sat there with love in His eyes and a broken heart. Because that was His daughter who He was desperate for.
It took me seven years to come home to Jesus, seven long years of half obedience, half surrender, half interest. It was not until 2020 when I reached the end of myself.
I had just finished reading about the woman with the issue of blood and how with one touch. She was healed. Something moved in my heart that day to surrender. To say “God I need you.” Something in my heart called out to God before my voice ever did.
And He answered. He answers the prayers of the heart. He answers the call of the humble, He is close to the brokenhearted.
